Here is just a little bit of my story of learning to know and trust God. I was born into a Christian family. Going to church and knowing what the Bible said was always valued and important. But there came a point when learning more things about God at church or in the Bible didn't really change how I acted. I knew a lot of things and verses in the bible. I learned many bible stories and things like 'do not be anxious in anything, because God cares for you', or 'God has good plans for you'. While I thought of myself as a good Christian and thought I believed the bible I never really lived my life like I believed God had the power to create the whole world or deliver the Israelites from battles they should have lost. I didn't really believe I could trust God and not be anxious when I felt awkward around a group of people. I would just try hard to avoid situations where I felt too awkward or uncomfortable instead of actually believing that He would help me to work through those situations. Instead of trusting that God actually had good plans for me, I would constantly worry and be down if things didn't go the way I had planned or wanted them to go.
One thing I loved doing since middle school was playing clarinet in my youth orchestra. Later I decided I wanted to play in a professional orchestra and to do that I knew I had to be the best of the best. That meant I was trying to practice 2-3 or more hours a day. In 10th grade I got tendonitis in my arms from practicing too much. For that to heal it means taking it easy and not practicing much until it heals, which can take months. I remember feeling miserable. The one thing I was trying really hard to do well was the one thing I couldn't do, I could see others around me excelling and winning competitions and it I felt like something was taken away from me that I deserved. I was never someone to talk openly about the things that were bothering me. I would mostly try to pretend things were fine as best I could to avoid the awkwardness and discomfort of talking about what was bothering me. I remember talking to God at night wondering why He would keep me alive when things felt so painful. I knew that because I believed in Jesus and the forgiveness I received when He died on the cross I would go to heaven, so why would He have me keep living on earth when it felt so painful. But throughout that time I learned to trust God more and actually believe what the bible said and apply it to my life instead of just knowing what it said. I remember even though it was hard, there were great, sweet times with God. In those time I would tell God that if He ever needed to give me a wake up call to give me tendonitis again. The tendonitis eventually got better. A few years later I decided to go to college and major in clarinet performance. I knew that I would really have to practice a lot and get a lot better my freshman year to have any shot at playing clarinet professionally. Right away in my first semester of college I got tendonitis again. This time was harder because instead of being homeschooled and having a smaller group of people who knew about it, I had to talk to professors and my band conductor about the tendonitis to get extensions and explain why I couldn't play much in band that semester. Talking to people about it was the last thing I wanted to do. Somehow the more I could keep it to myself the more I could pretend to myself that it didn't exist when I was around other people. Just like the first time I had tendonitis, it was a hard time and a painful time, but it drew me to Christ. In the midst of the hard times I again had sweet times with Christ as I learned to trust Him more and love His plan for me. My junior year of college I ended up adding an accounting major on top of my music degree. I could feel myself being drawn toward the message that surrounded me at my business school of getting a successful job, making a lot of money, and having a high status. A week into this Spring semester I was driving on the icy highway and I ended up loosing control on the ice, crashing and totaling my car, and getting a concussion. It turns out concussions can take a long time to heal from and my plan for the the whole semester was completely changed as I decided if I could still take classes, how many could I take, how I was supposed to pay for rent when I had to quit my job, and many other uncertainties. Being in my fifth year I already felt like I was graduating super late, having seen most of my friends already graduate. Adding another semester on top of that cut deeper into my pride. The first week of having my concussion when I couldn't even think too much, go on the computer, or listen to anything for very long, was really frustrating and discouraging. While that was going on I was amazed at how similar the concussion felt to the tendonitis. Just like the tendonitis it wasn't really that painful, it just took a long time to heal. Like the tendonitis I had to now talk to professors about what was going on and had to get extensions, exactly when I felt like hiding in the background instead. Like the tendonitis there were now a lot of unknowns for the future. God reminded of my prayer to give me tendonitis again if I needed a wake up call. But instead of using tendonitis this time He used a concussion. I was reminded again that while it was hard to have a concussion, God would use it for my good. Though it was painful working through my pride, my lack of control, and the uncertainty of the future I was able to learn to rest in God and know He was using that pain to get my attention so that He could change me. In his book The Problem of Pain C. S. Lewis says "pain insists on being attended to. God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pains: it is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world." I know there is so much greater pain in the world than what I have experienced in my life. And I still don't completely understand why there has to be so much pain in this world especially to those who are helpless to change their situation. But I do know that it was the pain that caused me to live out who I really am instead of who the world says I should be. If I hadn't experienced pain I am certain I would have continued to pursue status, success, and my own pleasure and I would have continued to feel more and more empty. Pain causes me to stop pretending that the world is ok the way it is. While it causes my heart to hurt and feel vulnerable, it also makes me aware of joys around me that are deeper than I thought possible. Pain has drawn me to the God who will never leave me. To the God who has seen my very worst, yet still values and intensely loves me.
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One thing I am really thankful for is that I live right by a gorgeous running route. My last run led me past old victorian houses, the St. Paul Cathedral, and the State Capital building. While these are all beautiful buildings, the thing that I was most amazed by was the sky. I couldn't help but think of how the sky made these buildings look so small and insignificant. How man at his best has never created anything nearly as beautiful as the sky. Yet, so often I try to follow the designs of man rather than the designs of God for my life. The designs of man which I know will never be as big and glorious as what God has planned for me. As I finish up college and am thinking about getting a job I sometimes find myself valuing the things that I see valued around me, more money, more success, more comfort. But I know from the past that when I succeed at working hard to get 'more' I find myself back at square one again, unsatisfied and still wanting 'more'. God's design, on the other hand, allows us to be satisfied in Him in whatever we have. When we allow God to design and plan our future we know that it will be good (1 Cor. 2:9, Jer. 29:11). God's plan allows us to be thankful in the present and find the beauty already around us, even when it's hard. God knew that was what I needed to hear that night. This year has been filled with many things I did not plan on happening. My semester began with me crashing my car and getting a concussion, which resulted in a very different semester than I expected including a lot of insurance forms to fill out, quitting my job (not a lot of hours, but my only source of income), having to drop half my classes and add another semester before I could graduate. The summer job I had lined up fell through, and shortly before I went running I found out that my study abroad that I needed to graduate in the fall might also fall through (found out today that it didn't fall through). It definitely was not the plan I wanted or had in mind, but looking back I can see how God has used it to make me trust Him more and be less anxious about life. He has shown me that He loves me enough to let hard things happen to me. That no situation good or bad is wasted if I let Him use it to shape me. While I still find myself doubting at times that His plan for me could really be better than my plan, He is patient and finds sweet times to remind me that His design is greater and more beautiful than anything I could have ever planned.
"For I know the plans I have for you", declares the Lord "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, to give you a hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11 I've noticed there is something about expressing my thoughts or ideas that's different than simply thinking about them. That extra time and energy that it takes to write something out or say it out loud makes it harder to avoid noticing who I am and what thoughts and ideas drive me, whether good or bad. I've also noticed there's something freeing about making those thoughts and ideas known and public to someone else and not just keeping them to myself. A few reasons I'm deciding to use a blog to express my thoughts is that 1. I will be able to take as long as I want to write a post 2. I can edit, or reedit posts I'm in the process of writing as much as I want 3. I can write a post anytime of the day (or late at night) and 4. Blog posts gives me more space to write out my thoughts than instagram or facebook posts do.
I've thought about doing a blog off and on for a little while. A lot of questions come up like "What if people don't like my posts?" "What if it became really popular and I became super prideful?" "What if it takes too much of my time?" "What if I hardly ever write?" "What if I say too much?" "What if I am really shallow and make it seem like life is always great?". Then I think "Well... just in case those are true I should just not try." But I know my mistakes aren't made just through action, but also through inaction. Most of the time I prefer to avoid doing something in case I do it wrong or make a bad decision. Reality is though writing a blog won't make me an imperfect person. I already am flawed. A blog will just make those flaws more obvious to me and to others. One problem with inaction is that while I would like to hide my flaws from people it's not possible to do that without also hiding the good things about myself. I can't hide my mistakes without also hiding some of the creativity, sensitivity, and eye-for-detail God gave me. I think I've often told myself that I was being selfless when I was hiding my flaws. "If I hide my anger, pride and shame, others don't have to experience the pain and discomfort that might come from them." But on the other hand God designed us and crafted us with good things. (Psalm 139:13) He delighted in creating our personalities, our talents, our gifts (Psalm 115:3). When He was finished designing us He looked at us and saw what He had made and said "She is good" or "He is good". He even planned out great (though often hard) adventures for each one of us. (Jeremiah 29:11) Adventures that are suited to the unique design God created us with. If I hide my flaws and try to pretend I'm perfect, not only am I living a lie (because I am not perfect), but I am also hiding and belittling the great design, personality, and talents God chose to give me. I'm saying that hiding my faults is more important to me than showing the Artist's great design in me. It turns the focus from God onto me. In writing a blog I do want to see my mistakes, even if it's uncomfortable, so that I can change. More importantly I want to glorify my God and Father. Though I am flawed, God has given me so many good gifts. He knows my mistakes better than I do, yet He still loves me and is gracious and merciful to me. And who knows... Maybe creating a blog won't be a helpful and beneficial for me. Maybe after trying it out for a few months I'll decide it's not worth it, but at least I won't be wondering "what if I wasn't too scared to try it out?" In Christ I know I have been set free (Galatians 5:1) I no longer have to people please, worry, or stay inside my comfort zone. I have the power to choose freedom from those things. I know God wants me to let Him be Lord of my life. He wants to show me more what it looks like to be vulnerable and live unashamedly in Him and to trust Him in the crazy adventure He has planned for me. And sometimes that will be something as seemingly small as starting a blog and seeing what happens. I know I still will people please, worry, and try to stay where it's comfortable, but little by little I will trust more and fear less. My hope and prayer is that this blog will show that though I have flaws, I am securely anchored in Christ. My value and worth is not in perfection, status, accomplishments, or doing good things. My value is anchored in my relationship with Jesus Christ. P.S. Even though my brain is now convinced that I should start a blog, my heart is still telling me it's too scary (on a side note, don't always follow your heart...) |
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